This post is my entry in Moolanomy’s Best Wedding Tips and Stories Giveway.

The typical depiction of a “fairytale wedding” makes me retch. Maybe it’s the prescribed rituals and formulas that erase any individuality. Maybe the idea of being rescued by a fairytale prince offends my Vassar-graduate feminist self. Maybe the focus on the event over the actual relationship disgusts me. Maybe I just don’t like white. Or, more likely, the idea of forking over $20,000 on one day appalls me.

When my husband and I decided to get married, we knew, quirky people that we are, that we wanted a moment that was uniquely us. We didn’t want our guests to be bored by a show that had nothing to do with who we - or who they - were.

Also, we didn’t want to go broke.

Luckily, it’s less expensive to have an unconventional wedding than the traditional one. Here is how we took control of the day and took control of our finances at the same time.

It’s Never a Nice Day for a White Wedding. Black and red were our wedding colors - being, in fact, my favorite colors. (I know, black’s not a color). Our outfits were in part based on some character art from a favorite anime series. My dress was not a white wedding dress, sold at a premium and doomed to be packed away in my basement for life, but a stylish red evening gown from Caché. It cost less than $200, and I’ve worn it several times since.

Amount saved: Around $1,724 (average cost of dress: $1,924)

Tip: White comes at a premium, and it has associations you may not necessarily want for your wedding. (Me, virtuous?) Plus, chances are that expensive dress will never see the light of day again. Decide what colors bring your love alive and incorporate those into your event.

Let them Eat (Whatever Goddamn) Cake (You Want). Does anybody like white cake with buttercream frosting? I’ve heard of brides being disdained because they wanted a chocolate cake for their wedding. “That’s a groom’s cake,” a baker once sniffed at a friend of mine.

Before my wedding, my office had ordered a chocolate raspberry cake from Konditor Meister, a local bakery, for an event they were holding. It was delicious and I determined right then that this cake was exactly what I wanted for my wedding, because, hey, we dig chocolate and raspberry. This was easily done - these cakes were on their retail price list, and we were able to get one that served 50 for around $85.

Amount saved: $689 (average cost of wedding cake: $774)

Tip: Be open to other options besides the three-tiered buttercream monstrosity. Bakeries’ retail menus may be enough for your needs, and might just be tastier than your traditional wedding cake.

Diamonds Are Forever, Just Like Violence. Google “diamonds violence” and find out how in Sierra Leone, rebel soldiers gained control of diamond-rich areas by terrorizing the population. They terrorized people into compliance. Civilians were brutally murdered, raped, and mutilated. Moreoever, there is no way to know whether the diamond you buy is a conflict diamond or one that has been legally harvested and sold (Source: United Methodist Committee on Relief). Let’s also not forget how DeBeers artificially inflates the price of diamonds.

If that doesn’t move you, consider that a diamond is just an overpriced rock. Sure, it’s “forever,” but you know what else is forever? Titanium.

Titanium is used in spacecraft and circuit boards, making it the perfect geeky metal for a pair of geeks like us. We purchased our titanium bands at a local jewelry store, but we likely would have saved more if we’d bought online at $95 each.

Oh, and we didn’t have any engagement rings because we just kind of turned to each other one day and said, “Want to get married?” “Sure!”

Amount saved: $8,753 (average cost of engagement ring + his ring + her ring: $8,943) and countless lives.

Tip: This is another case where making the humanitarian choice is not only good for the planet, but good for your checkbook.

Invitations = Somebody Else’s Clutter. For my wedding, we browsed some expensive wedding invitations at Crane’s, but ultimately ended up ordering ours online. The cost was much reduced, and I found the quality to be high. We spent around $250 all told.

Amount saved: $367 (average cost of invitations: $617)

Tip: Consider how much you really want to pay on something the guests are going to throw out! Shop online to save time and money.

Ditch the dancing. At all the weddings I’ve attended in my life, the only people I’ve seen hitting the dance floor have been a) the bride and groom, b) drunk, or c) kids. This leads me to believe that dancing is really not the Fun for the Entire Family it seems to be advertised as.

I enjoy dancing, but my husband enjoys it much less so. I wasn’t heartbroken when he said he didn’t care to have dancing at our wedding. Doing away with the dancing did away with many of the traditional wedding expenses. We didn’t have to hire a DJ. We didn’t have to rent a dance floor. We didn’t have to take expensive dance lessons. This also freed us up in terms of venue - see below.

Amount saved: At least $1,053 (average cost for a DJ: $1,053. Unable to estimate other costs).

Tip: If you and your partner are real aficionadoes of a particular type of dance, then by all means, hire your favorite band and dance until your feet bleed. But if you don’t dance regularly, and don’t really enjoy it, then why make it part of your special day? That’s the point at which you need to ask: who are you dancing for?

Let Steve Jobs be your DJ. Maybe you’ve decided you don’t care about the dancing, but you do want music. This was the situation Matt and I found ourselves in. We could have hired a DJ, and spent hours instructing him on what not to play. (”No Celine Dion. No Chicken Dance. No Macarena”).

… or, yanno, we could put our own playlist together on iTunes, and put a friend of ours in charge of “DJing.” (We basically just told him to play two specific songs at specific times).

This is what we ended up doing. And, in the interest of full disclosure, it wasn’t an optimal solution, just because we didn’t have decent speakers. I trust that renting better speakers would have been better than renting a second-rate musician in a cheap tux.

Tip: Don’t skip on the sounds, just cut out the middle man. You and your lover know your musical tastes the best. Don’t let your wedding become a rehash of pop hits from the 90s.

Convenient venues. My husband and I don’t enjoy dancing, but we do enjoy eating! Thus we knew from the beginning that we wanted our wedding to be more of a family meal than anything else. We both have Italian heritage, and we explored the space and catering options at a few restaurants, but ultimately ended up at a restaurant we already loved - where, in fact, we had had one of our first dates. They were able to accommodate us in one of their large dining rooms at a very reasonable price per head (around $50, if I recall correctly) for a choice of chicken, veal, or a vegetarian dish. And since we were buying food, the room itself didn’t cost anything extra.

The best part of this was we were treated just like any other event that might happen at a restaurant. Instead of paying an exorbitant price per head for catering in a wedding hall (call it a “wedding tax”), we ate as if we were Rotary Club members, birthday party celebrants, or retirement party goers. We ended up paying almost as much for a buffet brunch at a nearby hotel the next day!

Amount saved: $11,950 (average cost of dining + reception location: $10,904 + $3,546)

Tip: Surely your local restaurant has more pleasant memories associated with it than your generic hall or hotel - and they’d be just as happy to work with a bridal party as a local business.

Become an atheist. I kid, I kid. But I will say that as a couple of them, this made the whole wedding process so much easier. We didn’t have to worry about reserving the church AND a reception space.

And if you’re not religious, and you’re reserving a space for a ceremony and a space for the reception… why? Is there a space that could serve for both? If there are people you want to invite to the wedding but not the reception - do you really care to see those people at all?

Amount saved: $944 (average cost for ceremony location: $944)

Tip: Multitask. There is seriously no reason for you to have both a formal ceremony and a reception in this day in age, unless religion is an all-important part of your life.

Of course, the number one way to reduce your weddings costs is to…

Groom the guest list. Do you really want to invite Aunt Maud who you haven’t seen since you were eight? “But my parents will be so upset if I don’t invite her!” Uh huh. Are they paying for the wedding? No? Then feel free to ignore them.

In our case, our event was optimally priced once we brought in about 50 guests. Much to my surprise, we found it infernally hard to find 50 people we wanted to invite! We ended up inviting some of Matt’s relatives I’d never met, just to fill out the count. I should note that we both come from “Italian families.” My dad has four brothers and sisters! And yet, finding 50 people was still a chore.

Thus I have no sympathy for guest lists of 200 or 300 people. From all accounts, “fairytale weddings” are so hectic and stressful you don’t even have time to enjoy their presence. Send the person a nice announcement, and be thankful that you won’t have to worry about whether or not you’ll like their wedding gift.

Amount saved: Priceless

Tip: No matter what anyone says, this event is about YOU, and who you want to spend it with. When you’re dead, people can do whatever they want to commemorate your life; but right now (assuming the budget is yours), you’re in charge. Don’t invite people you don’t want to be there and don’t apologize.

All average costs calculated from CostofWedding.com’s calculation for the 01803 area code, where our wedding was held.

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